How did I survive the worst night of my life?
Gathering the necessary mental strength to write this down was not an easy task. We have all been through that one traumatizing event that we want to keep buried deep down as we see no added value in talking about it and sharing it. We simply don’t find comfort in discussing it as there’s nothing that someone could say to make it all better (Unless they have a time machine or something). I used to believe that, and I still do to a certain extent. However, after going through the worst night of my life, every perspective thought and feeling I ever felt became questionable. There are two reasons why I decided to share this story with you. The first is to continue the process of healing that I have been working so hard for. The second is to maybe comfort at least one person who is struggling on the inside and can’t let it out.
I have always been the kind of person that smiles at the world and looks at it with so much hope and optimism. People always tell me that they are able to draw out positive energy from spending time with me. What most people don’t know is how much effort it takes to keep up that facade. I have always wondered what it feels like to truly be happy. It’s one of those existential questions that daunts many of us. I don’t remember having any happy childhood memories thanks to my loving father. My coping mechanism was a popular saying that states “Fake it til you make it”. It has been my biggest help for as long as I can remember. I kept faking happiness until I had a glimpse of what it might be. It was working just fine until the night of June 30th, 2020. I like to call it the “unfortunate incident”. If you’re reading in hope of finding out what exactly happened that night, I am gonna disappoint you as there is no transferrable lesson out of it. However, I will walk you through how I was able to survive it.
It was around 1 am, I was laying next to my adorable cat Phoebe on my bed and googling ways to end my life without leaving a big mess. I kept getting annoyed by the Suicide prevention line that kept popping up on my computer but at the same time impressed with the idea of it. I had my mindset and I wrote my suicide note. Getting through writing made me fall further and further into darkness and I couldn’t fathom spending another day on earth. I kept asking myself over and over again... Why is there so much hate in people? How can someone be filled with so much hate and anger? I did not care enough to stay in this world and find out the answer to that question…
As I had endless thoughts rushing through my head, I kept remembering all of the friends I have and for a split second, I imagined one of them going through what I just experienced. At that moment, I jumped out of bed and yelled “F**K NO”. I will not leave this hateful world knowing that someone else might be subjected to the same horrible incident. I felt tears rushing down my face a strength I never knew I had. That’s when I summoned the will to contact a friend of mine to come and stop me from doing something “stupid”. This was the first step of survival. Realizing that you have a support system that you can rely on in times of need. With the help of that friend, I mustered up the courage to face the world and own my narrative before someone else does it for me.
At this stage, survival became my toughest challenge. Even though that night ended, I was subjected to endless words of encouragement and compassion that oddly enough made me feel worse. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for the love and support that my friends showed me but I was simply reminded with every message or phone call that things will never be the same again. I hated feeling like a victim but at a certain point, I had to accept it. For weeks, I kept dealing with the aftermath of that trauma, I kept seeing death luring around me until I heard the words that I never knew I needed. “You will feel pain, you will struggle to survive and suffer for a long time.. But all of this will turn you into an exceptional person with so much strength and resilience”. After hearing that from a beautiful friend of mine, I felt hope for the first time since that night. It simply reminded me of the challenges I already got through in the past and how they shaped me into who I am today. That’s when I became filled with curiosity to see what kind of person will this pain create.
Not one day goes by that I don’t tell myself “what if”. I keep thinking over and over about all the changes that were imposed on me and I imagine them gone. That is why the process of survival is a never-ending journey. It comes with ups and downs. During the low times, you have to pull yourself up and remember what you achieved so far in terms of healing. During the highs, make sure you radiate positivity and support towards people around you. I know it’s not your job to make the world feel better, but believe me when I tell you the world desperately needs it. So let’s all try to make people around us feel comfortable enough to reach out… maybe one day we manage to save the source of that hatred before it’s too late…
