Is fatherhood a real thing?

I did not like my father when I was growing up. Straight and simple right? Why not! I’m not going to write a paragraph that keeps going in circles and trying to insinuate that my father is a hopeless case of carelessness. Do I need to bother? The obvious should be stated. What’s ironic is that my father disagrees. He likes to believe that he is the greatest father alive! All simply because he used to change my diapers when I was a kid. Well, flash news: that’s what it means to have kids! So instead of constantly reminding me what you did for me as a kid, remember that you chose to have me as a child or not…Anyway, not my issue.

You know have a haunting fear of becoming a father. I don’t want to have children of my own. I am terrified of the idea that I would be a bad father! What if it’s genetic? If I might turn out to be like my father, I would rather sterilize myself right now with a vasectomy. However, this happens when I forget that I have amazing father figures out there that I am so grateful for!!

Baba Habib: The one and only. I am writing this only a few hours after I heard about your unfortunate passing. See, if I understand what family is, it’s thanks to you. I value my family a lot and I was taught this through you. A writer, a poet, a father, a historian, a role model, a grandfather, and a great grandfather. The moment I saw that message from my brother saying how you passed away, I felt a thunderbolt going through my heart! I am away… I was not there to say goodbye, I will not be there when they bury you, I will not be there to accept condolences from hundreds of people… people you inspired, people you taught, and people you enlightened. Many know you as their teacher. People in their mid-50s still remember that one remarkable teacher that impacted them on every level! They still refer to you with the same title: Sidi! You left an unforgettable positive mark on their lives like you did on me, your grandson. Something people can agree on is that the generation gap between grandparents and grandkids nowadays is quite wide. It makes the relationship awkward, forced, or even uncomfortable. However, that was not the case with you. You were far beyond your time. Growing up between piles of books made you so enlightened, futuristic, and overall a visionary. No one compares to how you understood the needs of everyone in the family and accommodate for them.

See Baba, I have exams this week and an interview right after, and I know if you were able to speak to me, you would tell me that you want me to focus on myself and not worry about you! You know what? I can’t really do that, I am a human with emotions even though I try to deny it as much as possible… Yet, I owe it to you! I owe it to the name Hamadi! I owe it to your glorious memory. I owe it to you to be the best version of myself, to keep making you proud, to show the world what the grandson of Mohamed Habib Hamadi can accomplish. I love you, Baba! But more importantly, I respect you as a father, which is more than what I usually say about fatherhood.

My last day seeing you was something exceptional. I will remember it forever. You were sitting reading books, as usual, I came into the warmest house in the world, the most loving and adored within the family! I saw a pile of one of the books that you wrote. I am so glad that I asked you for a signed copy; that book is now my most treasured possession. It’s all I have from you. What makes you the most distinctive and loved family member of all the Hamadi’s? I never explicitly sought to find an answer to this till this very moment. The day of your unfortunate passing. The 19th of May, 2019.

You taught me the following three lessons that I will carry on for a

• Your family is your most valuable asset in life
• Never stop learning
• Always be proud of who you are and where you’re from

I wanted you to see me graduate! I did! I wanted you to see me take a walk of pride carrying a diploma that I put sweat, blood, and tears on for the past four years in service of! It is not meant to be… But if any celestial or karmic forces can allow you to watch me from up there, please do as this is dedicated to you and the rest of my family — a support system that I will never take for granted. I certainly don’t know how my future is going to look like. I still don’t know if I will ever have the courage to face the voices in my head, telling me I will not be a good father. However, I will choose to preserve your memory as it is the only hope I have to shut those voices down.