What growing up with Domestic Violence taught me
Ironically, the most fascinating aspect of this world lies in how appalling and atrocious personal experiences can carry valuable life lessons. While this topic weighs a ton over my head whenever it comes up, I realize that facing the truth and stating the facts might be a step in the right direction. When I reflect on my childhood, I realize that the feeling of safety was constantly estranged from me. Instead of focusing on the details of the what, when, and how, I would much rather discuss how these traumatizing experiences impacted my personality as an individual. To be clear, this tradeoff is the biggest scam as these lessons can be taught in a less scarring way. Therefore, the purpose of this piece will be to shed light on a taboo topic that might carry numerous misconceptions
If you Google the impacts of domestic violence on children, the results would probably make sense to you. Common answers include but aren’t limited to low academic performance, drug or alcohol abuse, aggression, depression, and numerous mental health issues. Without being a psychology expert, I can’t confidently tackle the validity of these assumptions, but one thing I can say for sure is that these predictions and looks can severely shake the confidence of a child. If your teachers, relatives, or anyone from your entourage knows that you’re suffering from domestic violence, they will immediately and unconsciously box you into those cliches. I will never forget the endless times I was referred to as a hopeless case without any “future”. Hearing that in your face or even behind your back can be disheartening. The first epiphany was knowing that people feel so comfortable boxing others into a stereotypical image without realizing the potential collateral damage. That’s when I learned that judging others and expecting them to become your stereotypical victims further pushes them down that pit. With time, I realized many people are comfortable carrying judgments based on generalizations of a hopeless reality. While they think these perceptions don’t carry a cost, they treat us differently. They look at you with big eyes and a condescending smile thinking of you as a lost cause leading them to subject you to their unconscious bias. Let me clarify that being a victim and getting treated as one are two different things.
The second lesson that I also learned the hard way is the absurdity of violence. I identify myself as a class A pacifist. Being subjected to violence while witnessing your dear ones suffer the same fate can help you put things into perspective. I can confidently say that I never and will never resort to violence to solve any conflict in my life. As human beings blessed with cerebral functions, we should put that grey matter into good use to realize that violence can never solve a conflict but will simply make it worse. I noticed this while understanding how our pride and ego push us to display animalistic behavior. When you run out of words, you resort to violence be it verbal or physical, it uncovers your weakness and not your strength. I truly believe that a strong person is someone in control of their emotions and can find a calm way to react to silly provocations. Unfortunately, everything about the world we live in suggests the opposite ranging from international conflict between countries, violent TV shows, movies, video games to numerous public personalities who shamelessly glorify violence. This would much less problematic if “Viewer discretion is advised” was applicable. Therefore, to any reader who displayed violent behavior, I hope you don’t subject your progeny to the same fate as I can assure from now that it will never teach a lesson as much as leave an ugly scar.
The last lesson is more applicable to every other trauma but it’s a life-changing one. We spend our life escaping, trying to heal and get over difficult experiences without realizing how much these hardships define us. These challenges shape our personality, our emotional responses, and our impact on the world. Therefore, there is no way we can leave them in the past and run away. The more you move forward in life, the more baggage you have to carry which means that healing is a continuous and endless process. Getting over trauma is a myth. Twenty years from now, I will still be defined by the domestic violence I experienced as a child. The decision we try to make is whether that impact will be positive or negative. It’s empowering to realize that this is our choice and we have control over it. I was only able to reach this level when I realized that I have to constantly find ways to heal from childhood traumas or any other traumas for that matter. How you might ask? There isn’t one specific answer. That’s the never-ending journey you will experience by trial and error. A fun and stressful process that will help you identify what makes you happy, what brings you joy, what makes you get out of bed every morning…
It’s important to highlight the fact that these lessons are only relevant to my experience. While the number of children exposed to this horrible social behavior is alarming, each one will come out with a different experience, reaction, and perception of their place in the world. Therefore, I hope these three points make this uncomfortable topic more real to some people who might casually use it as a joke without realizing its vast negative impact. It is part of my therapeutic journey to write about things that make me uncomfortable. It’s the magical step from denial to confrontation that will make me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
