Why do we choose to ignore the red flags?
It’s a good question, right? I do not doubt that you wondered the same about your toxic ex… but if you asked yourself this question about multiple exes, then I should be worried… I mean, you should be concerned (if it makes you feel better, it’s a plural situation for me, too). I know that misery loves company, so let’s reminisce about the most daunting yet less obvious red flags that we choose to ignore for multiple reasons (that technically only your therapist can determine). Some are personality quirks, while others are behaviors potentially exhibited in a relationship:
- Self-proclaimed activist: the fact that you identify as an activist is an issue in itself. You’re neither Malala nor Greta, so stop trying to convince us that you’re an activist because you work in civil society or post woke shit on your socials; you’re an “activist”.
- Flags of visited countries in social media bio: I’m so happy that you’ve had the chance to gallivant around the world, but honestly, if you’re a world traveler, no bio can fit all countries, so what will you do when you run out of space? Exactly! So please stop. No one cares… and if you’re trying to make people feel bad about being unable to travel as much, then good for you.
- No close friends: honestly, if someone tells you they have no close friends and you think it’s normal, maybe you have a red flag to explore as well. Human connections define our adulthood. If one couldn’t create any, your relationship with them won’t be the exception.
- Overshares their life on social media: Where do I even begin… We don’t care… about what? About everything… learn the value of privacy and be a little mysterious… but one thing is for sure, no one wants to know that you were at the dentist today!
- Music snob: to all the mighty gods of music who only listen to underground and alternative records, you aren’t better than someone who listens to Taylor Swift or BTS… music tastes are a personal thing that doesn’t determine your superiority… unless you listen to Chris Brown, in that case, you are trash…
- Bad Hygiene: do I need to explain this to you? I thought so… next time you’re on a date with someone who smells bad or who has horrible dental hygiene, I suggest you run, and run fast (especially if you have a sharp nose)
- Internal racism: nothing sexy about denigrating your race while glorifying colonial races. If you internalize racism about your people, you have a lot of issues that you need to figure out alone before you commit to someone!
- Grammar Bitch: no one likes a grammar bitch, so don’t be one! If someone speaks a second or third language and makes a mistake but still gets the message across, move on! If they ask for your opinion, you can share… if not, be considerate and grateful for the privileges that allowed you to speak a specific language fluently and shut up.
- You need to be ignored to give attention to someone: If you’re hot and you’re cold… you’re yes, and you’re no… just listen to Katy Perry. She will guide you through this. If someone gives you the cold shoulder when you are caring for them but then is giving you attention just because you ignored them, I suggest you get the fuck out.
- Attention whore: we all love attention! That goes without saying; it’s human. But if it feels like you’re begging for it, you will emotionally dominate a relationship! Work on moderating your need for attention before you ruin someone’s life.
- Believes in astrology: people who justify their shitty behavior while referencing their astrological sign, just grow up, please… Just because you’re a Gemini or a Scorpio, or I don’t know what else is hated these days, doesn’t mean you can be a bitch!
- Doesn’t believe in science: I will not comment on this because it reminds me of a horrible date with someone who thought COVID was a conspiracy to keep us at home to solve another plot by the name of climate change…
- Doesn’t believe in therapy: Which means this person isn’t willing to better themselves and work on their issues. Believe it or not, in this fucked up world, we all need therapy (some more than others, which is totally normal), so don’t invalidate people’s journeys and let them ask for help.
- The exact same personality as you: RUN… before you cause a second big bang!!
- Constantly on their phone on dates or conversations: people who are glued to their phones can’t appreciate the present moment, making it very difficult to connect with them! Drop your phone for a minute and see the world for what it is!
- Unaware of privilege: wake up and smell the self-entitlement.
- No apparent red flags: that means something hideous is hiding deep down, and you shouldn’t stick around to see it!
- Talks about money or how much they have money: the number of people who come up when I think of this is crazy! This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re materialistic, as much as you must associate money with your personality to feel valued or interesting. I suggest investing some of it in therapy.
- Posts stories of them partying and having fun: you are not having fun! I know it, you know it, everybody knows it… so stop pretending!
- No pain, no gain posts: do you know how many times I’ve suffered without gaining anything? A lot, and I’m not the only one! Not everyone who suffers can win something out of it! Wake up and see beyond the obvious
- Your partner is jealous of your friends: any partner who wants to dictate how you should act around your friends is a big no… feeling jealous of your friends shows a deep sense of insecurity that isn’t your responsibility to fix.
- Bad-mouthing their closest friends: these people cannot be trusted… dating them will come back to bite you in the ass. Wake up and smell the hypocrisy!
- Buys fake followers on social media to look popular: ouch… it hurts, it does, to see how sad your life must be to feel the need to purchase fake followers… I hope you come to peace with yourself.
- Racist, sexist, homophobic, and any other type of unjustified hatred: this shows certain unresolved insecurities where you only feel good by hating on others for no apparent valid reason.
- Taking pride in NOT watching Game of Thrones or Friends: it goes without saying that Friends and GoT are some of the best creations of humanity. Not liking them is a choice, but taking pride in it seems pointless. I’m happy you prefer to watch underground non-commercial art, but it doesn’t mean commercial masterpieces aren’t good.
- Has never been in a long-term relationship: don’t be someone’s first serious relationship. That means you will be the learning experience that they make mistakes with… trust me, it’s not fun!
- Quotes unreliable sources: get your facts straight and stop telling me about what you heard or saw on Facebook.
- Thinks that anime and cartoon are the same thing: they are not, anime is Japanese art made in some instances only for adults, cartoon is SpongeBob…, and if you put Demon Slayer and SpongeBob in the same category, I can’t reason with you.
- Generation Z: this one is easy… if you’re not Gen Z, do not date Gen Z… they have their own language, and it will take you forever to understand it!
- Works out in the gym without music: these people are just lunatics and must be sent to Arkham Asylum for treatment.
I hope you did not expect me to help you understand why you chose to ignore the red flags in your last horrible relationship! I meant it when I said therapy helps with that (more on that in a future piece). It’s a complicated question with answers varying from one person to another. But back to the very long list you just read; I hope you take it with a grain of salt since it includes a heavy load of sarcasm. No one is perfect, so don’t nitpick when you’re looking for your other half… but be careful and don’t miss clear signs of behaviors that you know you can’t live with for more than a day… unless you’re looking for a hook up in which case, I suggest running towards the red flags!
