Why do we stay in Toxic Relationships?
It fascinates me how memory tends to trick us into downsizing certain negative experiences to ease the process of getting over them. We think something was bad but if we get the opportunity to relive a glimpse of it we realize that it was traumatizing. While naively looking for a group chat on my messenger, I stumbled upon a conversation with my ex-partner only two months into the relationship. So basically the “honeymoon” phase. To spare you the juicy details, it was a moment where I was being disrespected, insulted, and even emotionally manipulated into an unfair guilt trip. Let’s start by defining toxicity as the first step to understanding why someone might stay in a toxic relationship.
I know that my generation has been overusing this term to an unreasonable extent until it lost its main purpose. We comfortably throw it around every time we are uncomfortable in a relationship, be it romantic, friendly, or professional. However, let’s try to take a step back to define toxicity in general within a relationship to use as a baseline as we move forward. I like the simple definition. If it makes you feel bad about yourself, then it’s toxic! This is irrelevant to whether you’re at fault or not cause sometimes we are the cause of those negative feelings and the other person isn’t directly doing anything to hurt us. The issue that I’ve witnessed on multiple occasions is when someone complains about a toxic relationship while they are the core of its toxicity. Also, it’s possible that both parties are at the root of the problem. Nevertheless, that relationship is still considered toxic and should end or change one way or another (preferably without drama but who are we kidding).
When I look back at the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, I can’t define it with any word other than toxic. It’s a relationship that stripped me of my confidence, shook my self-esteem, and pushed me to modify my behavior and personality in hope of pleasing my partner. I don’t think anyone would dare to contest whether this can be defined as toxic or not.
Back to the revelation I just experienced in a beautiful Medina restaurant after having a delicious dinner with my family. While innocently looking for that conversation, the chat with my ex pops with the same word, I was curious as to why that was a conversation topic, and to my surprise, I find them tormenting me for getting busy with work and forgetting to text them. I was given the scold of my life…The fact that I couldn’t recall the experience was puzzling. However, that moment triggered all the memories that I buried deep down and I simply realized that this conversation is just the tip of the iceberg. I was getting in my head and trying to understand why I didn’t protest.
Did I deserve it? Initially, I said probably yes since I didn’t stop them from disrespecting me. While reflecting on it now after months of healing and self-care, I am shocked and extremely disappointed in myself for allowing it to happen. I recalled endless instances where I saw a person mistreated by their partner and ignorantly judged them for complying with their situation.
Now, I lay the following conundrum at my own feet, Whyyyy? Picture all the hilarious GIFs and memes that say Why, and you might be where I am while I was reading through that conversation. I know better than to be too harsh with friends who had horrible partners.
So my first instinct was to google the question like a simpleton. The first answer I got is an obvious yet shocking one…it’s because I don’t know any better. Reading that felt like a gunshot to my core. I’ve never been shot though but I assume it must be unpleasant. Having experienced abusive relationships my entire life, it was a continuation of my comfort zone. I naively thought that that was the definition of true love. After all, I have watched my mother suffer in silence from my father’s physical and emotional abuse for more than a decade; it’s a vicious circle. It takes endless courage to stand up for yourself and say, I deserve better. This is even more intense if you have unresolved childhood trauma. I’m so glad I inherited a bunch that will continue to be a fun source of inspiration for writing as well as good entertainment for my therapist (who told me I use humor to cope with trauma but what does she know)
The second cause is emotional manipulation. What is fascinating about emotional manipulation is that you don’t know that you’re a victim of it until you take a huge step backward and disassociate yourself from the relationship. But it can make you feel like a worthless piece of shit without realizing why. It also shatters your self-worth and self-esteem. When you love someone with all your heart, you clearly expose yourself to being in a very vulnerable place by putting all your guards down and you never for a second question the feelings of your partner. I remember towards the end of the relationship feeling smothered and suffocated to the point where it affected my productivity at work and even my personal relationships.
Enough of the drama and sorrow, I know that I didn’t really give some magical and unexpected answer to the questions we all pondered at a point in our existence. However, I simply wanted to offer a reflection that might help someone going through this experience. Fast forward to almost a year later, I have never felt this much peace and serenity in my entire life. It’s crazy to say this now but I’m grateful for that relationship no matter how scarring it was. After all, thanks to it, I know exactly what I don’t want in a partner and I automatically set new standards for myself where sheer and basic decency is a must not an option.
So a quick and maybe petty shoutout to my ex, thanks to you and your toxicity, I was able to meet the love of my life and now I can confidently express myself without any oppression. A final message to anyone reading this: don’t make excuses for abusive jackasses just because they are going through hardships. Even though it may seem like a valid explanation, it’s not an excuse for them to use you as a doormat. Stay true to yourself.
